Doubt

Mysterious ways of disappointing oneself, I mean we often speak one thing and end up altering the thing that we speak inside our heads or outside. It's like taking advantage of being conscious, in a way having the liberty to think about possibilities though these possibilities are mere speculations and the quarrel between your thoughts which never end, like never ever never ever ever never. Shrouded with loads of possibilities and then you choose one, irrespective of the situation that you're in because you know- 

"I'm imagining right now, boom, it happens and then you walk away with your chosen possibility and then it strikes that perhaps it was never right, nothing you or I will ever choose will seem correct or right. What a fucking duck radish".

So, since I'm very terrible with dealing with these flamboyant emotions, I don't know the exact meaning of flamboyant but I want to use it nonetheless because to me it seems fitting. I'll write a small poem about sensitivity now, it deals with stress and receptivity of what's bothering me and hopefully you all too, it's not what you call a poem 'poem' but more of a written narrative explicating my insides. Enough with the bullshit, let us proceed now, cautiously. 

At night I am lying on the bed which has many bugs but they are my only friends for now. 

I sleep like a hollow vessel though I'm listening to music filled with tempo and of course a lot of melody.

I don't know what to do after 3:00 am, many suggest me to sleep and drink less Coffee which I agree, at least I say I agree.

In the end, it's all the same same same. My eyes open till 5:30 and the music playing till 5:36. 

I like to read, I like to smell, I like to listen, I like to love actually I love to love. 

But nothing convinces me about authenticity, I guess I'm more of an artificial person or a doll. It feels all too real but not convincing. I have my reasons for self-doubt, like everyone else. 

So, let us speculate together and grind our heads into pulp till we are incapable of speculating and perhaps just being, staying put, quite and in harmony. 

Thank you

Your's Beloved,
Gaurav Shrestha